


a language only you know

by absolutesilennce



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: AIGHT LOOK, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, BECAUSE I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL AND ALSO I HATE MYSELF, F/F, THIS IS HIGHLY INSPIRED BY ED SHEERAN'S NEW ALBUM, and 20 percent angst, because real life is angsty enough and i will Not contribute to it, but it ends up happy!!, this is like 80 percent fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-10-01 04:29:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10180754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/absolutesilennce/pseuds/absolutesilennce
Summary: A dance through time - past and present moments, and a look at the relationship of two girls, a trip to Barcelona, and promises made throughout their lives.--"Well... It doesn't count that your touch lingers just a bit more on her waist when you're hugging her, right? And it's just simple friendship when you brush unruly strands of hair behind her ear and she blushes? Surely, it's platonic that you let your hands gently run over her back and her shoulder blades when she's asleep with you in bed? And, obviously, it's purely friendly behaviour when you pay for her tickets at the movies with a grin and a wave of your hand, and you spend more and more time alone with her, and for your free choice art assignment you painted her, and you stare at her for a bit too long to be just friends, and when people say the word 'home' your first thought isn't a place, but her (herherherherherher—she's everywhere)... You're doing okay, right?"





	

**_[twenty-one]_ **

"I can't do this anymore, Lauren," she pleads, voice tired and eyes broken, and you've seen it coming from a mile away, but you had hoped you were wrong, hoped you could fix things.

You're twenty-one when she breaks your heart in the living room of your old, run-down apartment.

You're twenty-one and your chest aches with physical pain as you watch her collect her stuff and pack them into boxes labelled _Camila_ , all the while avoiding your gaze.

You're twenty-one when she runs her cocoa eyes over everything, as if soaking it all in one more time before turning to you, the last of the boxes already taken down to the moving van that's waiting to transport her stuff away to Dinah's apartment, waiting to take her away from you for good.

"I guess this is goodbye, huh?" She says with a sad smile, the word cracking her voice and your ribcage open.

"I guess it is." You nod and she knows, _knows_ , you're still in love with her, that you most likely will be still even when she's in the arms of someone else, that her leaving won't do anything but leave a Camila-shaped hole in your life, but you understand why she has to do this. You understand it's hard to keep afloat when there's an anchor dragging you down to the abyss, and you're smart enough to admit that you are. An anchor, that is. You don't know when you became it, but you did. And it cost you her.

There's a silence between you that's more amicable than any other has been in the last year, and you can respect that. She breaks it by sighing in defeat and shuffling closer to you, indecisive as always and you crack a tired smile.

"Lauren I... I still love you. And I probably always will. But I-I'm not what you need right now," Camila admits and you exhale deeply, regrets clogging your lungs and no matter how much you breathe you can't get rid of them.

"And I'm not what _you_ need, aren't I?" You ask, rhetorically, and she diverts her eyes again. "It's alright, Camz. I can never blame you for wanting to grow, even if it is without me. You were always my number one, and you'll always stay right at the top of my list. And this beating heart forever speaks a language only you can understand," you say, taking her soft hand in yours and gently putting it to your heart.

You promised yourself you wouldn't cry but you all of people know that promises are broken more often than not. You tried to stop the tears but it's evident it's not enough _(nothing ever was)_ , so you let them slide down your cheeks, hot on your skin. It seems that's all Camila needed to let her own fall, and you're both crying, right there in the middle of the living room where not even a year ago you had shared a searing kiss when you first moved in together.

Hardly has a moment passed when the van honks from the outside and Camila wipes her tears, sniffling and you've loved her since you were kids and you'll love her until your hair turns grey and it's evident in how fast your heart beats for how achingly beautiful she looks, with wet cheeks and small droplets on her eyelashes.

"If you ever need me, I'll be here. Perhaps we'll meet again someday, but for now, goodbye Camila Cabello." You murmur softly and struggle to breathe when she comes near you, intertwining your fingers one last time and tilting her head to connect your lips.

It's more than a kiss. It's a hello, a goodbye, and everything shared between those points in two lives intertwined. Her lips are salty and wet from her tears and you can taste the sorrow on her mouth, reflected on your own.

When you part, she remains with her eyes closed, forehead touching yours.

"Goodbye, Lauren Jauregui."

And like a whisper of smoke, she disappears. Gone before you're truly ready to let her go.

* * *

_**[sixteen]** _

You're late for English and it's your damn first day. It's literally the worst thing that could happen to you on your first day of being back in high school for your sophomore year and yet, here you are, running along the hallways of the school, desperately dodging students milling around, trying to make it to your classroom before the bell rings.

In retrospection, it probably wasn't the smartest idea to try and turn the corner in full speed but you're desperate, and that's probably why you slam into someone and knock them down.

You're gasping for air, when you hear chuckles from your right. The girl you slammed into is actually really pretty. Like, really, _really_ pretty. And she's laughing. You get up slowly and extend a hand to her, and she takes it so you help her get to her feet.

"I'm really sorry, uh..." You trail off, waiting for a name.

"Camila Cabello." She says with a wide smile and you don't even try to fight yours, resigned to the fact that you'll be late for your class on your first day.

"Well, Camila Cabello, I'm sorry for knocking you down."

"No problem, pretty girl." She responds and you stutter, fumbling for a response to such a direct flirtation.

"I-uh...Lauren. Lauren Jauregui." You say and awkwardly extend a hand, which she shakes with a smirk.

"Lauren Jauregui. Where were you in such a hurry to get to?" She asks and you sigh.

"English class, but I'm already late." The smile she gives you is blinding and you wonder why it's there for a moment, before she squeals too.

"With Ms. Thompson? Yeah, I'm late for that too. Come with me." She says and drags you by the hand to the classroom.

When the teacher raises an unimpressed eyebrow at Camila's excuse of how you knocked each other down on the way to the classroom, you fight a laugh. Camila drags you to the back of the class to the two seats left in the back row, right next to each other. And if your heart skips a beat every time she sends you a smile or a wink, well, that's no one's business but your own.

* * *

Your friendship quickly grows and grows, and it's a unique bond you've never had with any of your other friends.

It's hard to explain, the way Camila makes you feel so comfortable around her, but she's wormed her way into your life and in what seems like days she's a permanent fixture. There's a _Finding Nemo_ DVD on your desk from when she was last at your place and she forgot it there, and you've already got several polaroids of you two in various places you've visited together.

(You also have polaroids of just her, candids you've taken when she wasn't aware and it's not fair, how she can look beautiful in any situation and in any light.)

There's a bright pink post-it note on her copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ , with a message scribbled in Camila's chicken scratch, telling you that you're free to underline any lines in the book or write down notes on the margins, because she'd love to read your thoughts when she re-reads it next time. A banana peel lies at the bottom of your trash can, because Camila is practically addicted to the yellow fruit. On your phone, a video awaits you haven't opened yet that she sent you this morning, and you just _know_ it's going to be her dabbing and laughing hysterically at her own damn self.

Your parents have been hiding their smiles whenever you mention Camila, your brother has been teasing you and your sister rolls her eyes fondly whenever you talk about the tiny brunette, and you know what they think but there's nothing going on between you and Camila.

That thought won't even go through your mind 'til a year later, when you're a junior and she's a sophomore, but that comes later.

Right now, you're simply in awe of your new best friend, because she's so _awesome_ and you haven't connected with anyone like that, ever, and you just know this friendship is going to last for a long, long time.

* * *

**_[seventeen]_ **

"Laureeeeen!"

You turn around with a grin splitting your face and arms wide open, facing your best friend who's running at you in full speed and you're so used to her jumping into your arms and koala hugging you that you don't even blink when you have an armful of Camila, instead laughing ecstatically along with her, spinning her around and her laughter gets muffled into your neck.

"Camz!" You exclaim happily, tightening your hold on her for a moment before gently putting her down onto the ground. Releasing her from your arms, you take a step back to observe her.

She spent the summer in Cuba, with her family, so you haven't seen her in two and a half months. In those two and a half months, she's had a growth spurt somehow, become more tan, her hair more unruly but still somehow falling perfectly around her shoulders. Her body has moved from that awkward phase where she's not a kid anymore but she's also not a young adult either and now, sweet mother of booties, hers has somehow fit perfectly onto her now curvy body. And that's another novelty – she has curves now! Her face has also lost those traces of baby fat she still had when she left on vacation and now her jaw looks like it was modelled by Jesus himself, so yeah, it's safe to say the Camila that you remembered before summer and the Camila standing before you now are like two different people.

"Damn babe, you got yourself a tan! And Cuba's done you good, mama, your booty is a 100% Cuban now," Lauren says with a smirk and jokingly pats the girl's behind. Camila blushes and yeah, there's your Camz.

"Shut up," she responds, pushing you away playfully, but you just grin and wrap an arm around her shoulders, pulling her to yourself and ushering her to her locker. As she opens it to take out her books, you lean onto the cool metal of the locker next to hers, wordlessly taking her books from her and offering her your free arm. She places hers into the crook of your elbow and you steer her to her class.

"So how was your summer? I want deeetaaails!" She sing-songs and you dive right into the story of your adventures that summer. She listens to you with a smile on her face and whoa, why are those butterflies in your stomach? The fuck?

You mentally shake yourself out of it and give her a wide grin.

"How about you? Anything interesting happen to you over the summer? And how was Cuba?"

She immediately launches into the story of how she chipped her tooth with a beach ball ("Camz, how the fuck do you chip a tooth with a beach ball?") and how great Cuba was and yeah, there go the butterflies again.

What the actual fuck is going on?

* * *

For lunch, you pick Camila up from her Biology class and approach the table where Dinah and Normani are already sitting, bickering playfully about something.

"Hey guys!" Camila says, dropping down on the bench and taking out her lunch from her backpack. You do the same, albeit much more gracefully, and with practiced movements you hand Camila your banana, while you take the apple from her.

"Why do y'all even bother bringing separate lunches when first, you share them anyway, and second, you always switch your fruits?" Normani asks and Dinah hums next to her, agreeing.

Lauren shrugs and Camila pauses for a moment before shrugging her shoulders as well.

"Dunno. We just do." You say and Dinah and Normani exchange a look you don't catch because Camila's hand is on your thigh and whoa, she's either super hot- well not like _hot_ hot- actually yeah that too- but maybe it's weird for you to be thinking that about your best friend—

"How is Ally? She's the only one I haven't had the chance to catch up with." Camila says and you clear your throat.

"Yeah, Smallz is settling in nicely in college." Dinah says, sipping her chocolate milk. "She's supposed to visit in like two weeks, she says she can't wait to hear all about Cuba," pausing dramatically, Dinah smirks, " _and_ , she says she's met someone."

"Damn! Ally's working fast." Normani says and you all laugh.

With lunch passing quickly, you all agree to go out some time this week, to catch up properly and maybe go see some movies. Chatting amicably, you escort Camila to her next class and she thanks you with a kiss to the cheek that feels so natural that it only hits you when you're already on your way back to your own locker.

Freezing on the spot in the middle of a crowded hallway, causing some people behind you to grumble at you, you touch your fingertips to the spot on your right cheek where her lips had touched. _Why the fuck is it tingling?_

* * *

Days blur together and before you know it, it's October. You've taken to wearing your softball letterman because of the slight chill that permeates the air, slowly but surely getting more biting with each passing day.

Lately, there have been things going through your head that absolutely _should not_ be on your mind. More specifically, thoughts about your best friend that are at the very least concerning, and at the most very inappropriate.

You have no idea when it started happening, but all you know is that one morning you woke up and realized something you hadn't known before. It was like someone had forcefully ripped off the curtain that had been hanging in front of your eyes and suddenly you saw your best friend in a completely new light.

It wasn't even that Camila had changed – because, besides her physical appearance, everything had remained the same. It's just that now, instead of not paying any attention to it, you focus on the way her fingers fit between yours whenever you're holding hands. There's tingling and goosebumps wherever her skin touches yours, and you find yourself concentrating more on the way her lips move than what she's saying.

(Although you still hang off her every word, because she's just so intelligent and amazing, and how could you not pay attention to her?)

Instead of just going with it whenever she settles down in your lap like she often does when there's no space left on the couch, you now flounder and shyly place your hands on her waist, and when she snuggles back into you there's almost always a rush of blood to your face that you simply don't know how to explain to yourself. _(Yes you do.)_

It's like you're suddenly super sensitive to every single thing Camila does, and you have no idea what it is that makes you do that. _(Lie.)_ You focus on every miniscule movement of her lips, the way she bites them and licks them (for fuck's sake, you're getting her a tube of chapstick for her birthday, because it's distracting as hell) when they're dry, the way she runs her hand through her (long, silky, perfectly messy) hair, the way she smiles and the way moonlight reflect on her eyes when you're walking her home at night. It's hella distracting and hella rude and you want it to stop right now, immediately. _(Lies lies lies lies, you are a **liar**.)_

And like, what the hell is up with your weird fixation on her legs and ass? I mean, sure, they're great legs and it's a fine ass, but, like, your ' _platonic admiration'_ has not only crossed the line, it completely demolished it so badly that you now aren't aware there was ever a line in the first place. You're in hot waters and it's very much confusing and you are not sure you're dealing with it properly.

(Getting high with Lucy is not dealing with it, is it?)

Not only are you fixated on everything Camila does when she's around you, you're also thinking about her when she's not there, which, well. You've filled a journal (or a couple) with sketches of her lips, eyes, nose, smile, and everything else you are unwillingly thinking about at the moment. You find yourself daydreaming about a future with her, unconsciously picturing her when you're listening to love songs and _it has to stop_. _(It won't.)_

You haven't let it affect your friendship with Camila, though, of course.

Well... It doesn't count that your touch lingers just a bit more on her waist when you're hugging her, right? And it's just simple friendship when you brush unruly strands of hair behind her ear and she blushes? Surely, it's platonic that you let your hands gently run over her back and her shoulder blades when she's asleep with you in bed? And, _obviously_ , it's purely friendly behaviour when you pay for her tickets at the movies with a grin and a wave of your hand, and you spend more and more time alone with her, and for your free choice art assignment you painted her, and you stare at her for a bit too long to be just friends, and when people say the word 'home' your first thought isn't a place, but her _(herherherherherher—she's everywhere)_... You're doing okay, right?

_(You know you're not. You **know**.)_

Fuck. You're fucked. You're **_so_** fucked.

Fuck.

* * *

"Lauren, honey, I say this with utmost love and respect, but," Normani begins, and you sigh before she's even done with her sentence, "you need to get your head out of your ass and ask her out already."

It's not that you told her about your crush ("Pft, 'crush', yeah right," Dinah had scoffed) on Camila, it's more that literally _everyone_ but her knows.

And the thing is...you didn't _actually_ tell anyone.

Dinah had rolled her eyes when she saw you looking like you wanted to acquaint your fist with Shawn Mendes' face when he was talking with Camila about something on the other side of the quad, and just told you to stop with the jealous act because they were lab partners in chemistry and they were talking about an assignment due later that week.

Normani had simply nudged you in the ribs gently when Camila giggled at a cute puppy video on her phone and you sighed, lovestruck and unashamed, whispering in your ear to not be so obvious. You blushed and whispered back at her to shut up.

You were Facetiming Ally in your kitchen when Camila came in, wearing nothing but your softball jersey and underwear, rubbing her eyes and yawning because she'd just woken up. She pressed a sleepy kiss on your cheek and mumbled 'Morning, Laur' with a voice still raspy from sleep and you bit your lip and simply hummed as you watched her bend over to rummage through your fridge. When you turned back to your phone, Ally was watching you with a raised eyebrow and a smirk, and you simply shrugged your shoulders and that was that.

Your parents have been teasing you about her from the day you met her and it was all 'Camz this' and 'Camz that', so naturally, they knew even before you did that you have feelings for your best friend. _Such a cliché you are, Lauren Jauregui._

But currently, you are standing in the hallway, leaning on your locker as you observe Camila doing something as simple as getting her textbooks and looking fucking beautiful, and you're pretty sure everyone in the ten-mile radius knows you're in love (wait, what?) with this girl, except for her.

You sigh and turn away from her to face Normani.

"You know I can't just do that, Mani. If it was simply a matter of asking her out, I would've done it a long time ago. But this is my best friend, Mani, there's a lot at stake here and I- I couldn't stand it if I lost her." You say finally, and Normani sighs, exasperated because she thinks you're too stubborn for your own good. Personally, you think you're just stubborn enough, but whatever.

"Girl, the only thing being lost here is my damn patience for your oblivious ass," Normani says and you chuckle against your will.

"I agree whole-heartedly with Mani, though I have no idea what she's talking about." Dinah announces as she approaches you from the back and you roll your eyes while Normani grins.

"That's my girl, Dinah Jane." She says and Dinah playfully tosses her hair over her shoulder, making you laugh and Normani chuckle. "And we're just talking about how this loser-" she continues, pushing you playfully, "-is in love with that loser-" Normani points to Camila this time, who gives you a questioning look and a slight wiggle of her fingers in a playful wave as she turns to leave for class and you sigh longingly, "-and it's disgusting," Normani finishes and Dinah nods solemnly.

"Yep, as the official Camren captain, I can confirm my ship is 100% real and 150% disgusting." She says and you scoff, finally turning to face them both now that your favourite distraction has gone to class.

"First of all, Camz and I are not disgusting because there's nothing to be disgusting in the first place-"

"Why the fuck you lyin', why you always lyin'-" Dinah sings, and you ignore her.

"-because we're not together because this is probably just a crush and she doesn't like me like that-"

"-mmm oh my god, stop fucking lyin'!" Dinah finishes with a passionate raise of her arms while Normani wipes away a fake tear and clutches at her heart. You cross your arms across your chest and glare at them, a frown creating a crease between your eyebrows. Dinah rolls her eyes before holding you to your biceps and looking straight into your eyes with a serious look.

"Lauser," she begins solemnly, "I will only say this once. _Camila – is – gay – as – fuck – so – ask – her – out – already – before – I – lose – my – shit!_ " She barks, shaking you with each word. By the end of her rant, you feel like a ragdoll, but Dinah smiles at you innocently like nothing happened, and dusts off the sleeves of your letterman that she was clutching only moments ago.

"Well, nice talking to you Lauser, but Mani and I have English to get to, and I'm pretty sure you're late for history, aren't you?" She laughs at the panicked look in your eyes because your history teacher is a hardass and fuckfuckfuck you shouldn't have stared at Camila for so long, but in your defence, the dress the younger girl was wearing fit her beautifully and it swished with every step she took, hypnotizing you-

 ** _Fuck_** , you're late!

* * *

**_[twenty-one]_ **

"Hey Camz, it's me..."

"Lauren? What the hell- are you okay? It's two in the morning..."

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just-"

"Hold on, have you been drinking?"

"Just a little. But that's not why I'm calling you. I'm calling you to apologize."

"Apologize...? Lauren, go back to sleep."

"No, Camz-"

"Lauren..."

"Camz, _please_. I need to get this out and then I promise I won't ever contact you again." There's a pause at the other end of the line and then you hear her sigh and you wonder when that became a normal thing between you two, exasperated sighs and annoyed expels of breath, but you're guessing it's somewhere in the middle of your relationship falling apart on your behalf.

"Go on."

"I wanted to apologize for breaking most of the promises I gave you. I'm sorry I didn't get to take you to Barcelona... we would've loved it there. I'm sorry for promising you a dance to our song at our wedding and I'm sorry for promising you family mornings with a beautiful little girl or boy... They would've been real cute, with your smile and eyes, and my hair and chin. I'm sorry I promised to take care of you and then proceeded to be a selfish asshole-"

"Lauren, you weren't-"

"Yes, I was. And it wasn't okay, but I'm- I'm trying to get better. But above all else, I- I'm sorry I promised not to break your heart, and then ruined you, ruined **us** , with my mistakes. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry Camila." A harsh sob fills you up from inside, ripping from your throat and this isn't how you wanted this to go, but then again, nothing in your life seems to go to plan anymore. There's silence on the other end again and you're desperate for anything, any reaction-

"I forgive you."

"W-What?"

"I forgive you. We both made mistakes, and we both did stupid things, but I guess in a way, this had to happen. We were too dependent on each other, too closely intertwined to have space to grow as individuals." A pause, a shuffle, and then she's talking again. You've missed her voice so much. "I know you're in pain, and I am too, but this had to happen, Laur. I'll always care for you, but sometimes things don't work out, and that's okay."

"Do you... do you think we could ever give this a shot again... try **us** one more time?"

"I don't know, Lauren. I don't want to give you false hope."

"Fair enough."

"...Laur?"

"Yeah, Camz?"

"We had a good run, didn't we?" You can hear the smile in her voice and somehow, the world on your shoulders gets just a little bit easier to lift.

"Yeah, we did." You say, a shadow of a smile on your lips as a tear rolls down your cheek. You down the rest of your whiskey and, with false courage you ask for one last thing.

"Will you- will you stay on the phone with me? Like we used to do? One last time?" You mumble and she chuckles, and it's decidedly watery but you gracefully ignore it.

"Yes, I will."

"Okay, then." You just take off your pants and put on a sleep shirt she used to sleep in, too big on her but comfortably loose on you. You plug in your charger, place the call on speaker and rest the phone on your pillow, on the side where she used to lie.

"Goodnight, Camila."

"Goodnight, Lauren."

In the morning, when you wake up, the tell-tale pounding of a hangover in your head making you groggy, you see that she hung up only moments ago, and the end of the call feels strangely like closure.

* * *

_**[seventeen]** _

It's one of the rare warm and sunny days that autumn lets you have and you've convinced Camila to play hooky with you, so here you are, spending your day lounging in the shadow of a large oak tree in the park near your house.

She's sitting with her back against the wide trunk of the tree, and your head's in her lap. Ed Sheeran is crooning softly about a lego house from her phone and you think that this is it, this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. With her, here, beside you, speaking in hushed tones about nothing in particular, her raspy voice filling your ears.

You're fiddling with blades of grass next to you with your right hand, the fingers of your left one intertwined with Camila's left one, as she combs the fingers of her free hand through your hair gently, soothingly.

"If you could go anywhere in the world, visit any place, where would you go?" You ask her when there's a lull in the conversation.

"That depends, am I going alone or with you?" She grins and you smirk at her, ignoring the way your heart skips a beat at that cheeky expression on her face as she squints down at you playfully.

"With me of course, you can never get rid of me. It's just the way I am," you boast cockily, and she tightens her hold on your hand just for a moment.

"Hmm, like an STD," she says and your mouth drops open in faux indignation.

"Real classy, Camz." Your grin turns into a soft smile and you look into her eyes, so much like the colour of the hot chocolate only she can make for you because hers tastes much better than the others. "For real now – any place, with me, go."

Camila hums thoughtfully for a few moments, absentmindedly starting to run her nails gently over your scalp and you fight the urge to moan in pleasure.

"Barcelona," she says finally and you smile up at her, raising an eyebrow so she knows to continue. "I know it's cheesy, but I want to just be a regular tourist, to visit all the stupidly overpriced tourist attractions, to wander around the beaches and get lost in the city. We could get ice-cream and take a gazillion selfies, buy some tacky souvenirs and just roam the streets." She sighs wistfully and if you could, you'd buy plane tickets and follow her around the world if it made her happy.

"And we could buy cheap wine from some shady guy in an even shadier liquor store," she laughs and you chuckle along, more because of the sound of her laughter than anything else, "and then I'd make you walk around with me until we found a street busker playing some super cheesy Spanish tunes."

"You've really got it all down to a pat, haven't you?" You ask, and she smiles softly, looking off in the distance, an unfamiliar look in her eyes that you can't decipher.

"Yeah... It's easy to think of everything when that's all that's on your mind 24/7," she replies, serious for a moment before her face clears and a wide grin breaks through. "And anyway, by that time, we would already be tipsy because of the wine, and you know I already have two left feet but I'd pull you close and make you dance stupidly around with me. I'd probably step on your toes," she chuckles and you feel the corners of your lips turn up.

"I wouldn't mind you stepping on my toes, Camz," you say and for some reason, she blushes, and yep, there go the damn butterflies again, fluttering around in your stomach.

"Yeah, you say that now, but just you wait until we actually dance together and you can't walk because of me," she jokes and you honest to god laugh because, damn, this girl really isn't making it easy for you, to fall out of love with her. _(Who are you kidding, you're never falling out of love with her.)_

"Oh, so it's certain now, is it?" You tease and she sticks her tongue out at you.

"Of course it is." She smiles and you smile back and it's tranquil again and she's so, **_so_** beautiful-

"I promise I'll take you to Barcelona one day, Camz." You don't know when the filter between your mouth and brain turned off but you don't care when she's looking at you like that, "and we'll do all the stuff you want to do, and more."

"You promise?"

"I do."

The silence between you is heavy with promises, a _what if?_ hanging above your head, and the golden backdrop the setting sun creates behind Camila is slowly turning your brain into mush because she looks positively angelic—

"Laur?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think we'll still be friends in ten years?"

Whoa, where the hell did that come from? Gazing upwards at the serious face of the girl you love, you observe her biting her lip nervously and her fingers tighten around yours and you squeeze back to show her that you're here, you're forever, and you're _hers_.

You don't know if she got all that from a squeeze, but a girl can hope.

"Camz, I'm absolutely sure that we'll be friends forever, even when we're crazy old ladies in a nursing home, creating ruckus and annoying the other old people. We'll probably be haunting people together after we die." You say with a grin. She searches your face for a few moments before she relaxes, and continues stroking your hair.

She starts singing along to the unfamiliar song playing from her phone and you let her voice, the gentle movement of her fingers in your hair and the warmth of the sun lull you into sleep.

* * *

Okay, so let's say Dinah and Normani aren't completely crazy.

Let's pretend, for just a moment, that Camila loves ( _loves._ ) you back.

You've never been this sure of something, and yet so doubtful of it at the same time in your entire life. The thing is, you know that girl loves you, it's just a law of the universe, like rain falling down or fire being hot – Camila loving you is just a natural state of things. But the problem lies in the very fact that she loves you, because you have no idea if she loves you just as a friend, or as something more.

Dinah and Normani, and Ally whenever she has the chance, keep telling you over and over again that yes, she loves you the way you love her, that you would take down the moon and the stars from the sky for the girl but she looks at you as if you put them in the night sky in the first place, that there's no chance she doesn't feel the same way.

But you're still doubtful.

It's nothing personal, it's just that you need _more_ than just convictions of your friends of it, you need to witness it firsthand to believe it.

Which brings you to your current predicament – you're pretty sure they were right.

Of course, even if you and Camila get together, you're never telling Dinah she was right because she's already insufferable, she'll never let you live it down if you admit you were wrong.

The big question is – what now? So you love her, and she loves you back. How do you go about letting her know?

( _Fucking tell her, you idiot._ )

You can't tell her obviously.

( _Then fucking show her._ )

Your inner voice curses a lot, but it has a point. But if literally _everyone_ around you two knows you're in love with her, how come she doesn't yet?

"I need your help." You say to Ally over Facetime and she grins victoriously.

"It's about Camila, isn't it?" She asks, a smug smile on her face and you roll your eyes fondly, but nod anyway. She whoops loudly and you laugh at her nearly falling off the bed because of it.

"Dinah owes me twenty bucks, woo!" She cheers and you raise an eyebrow. She clears her throat. "I mean, what money?" Since she doesn't know how to whistle, she awkwardly glances around, avoiding your gaze until you laugh and she grins back.

"Alright, what do you need help with?" She asks and you sigh.

"Everything. How do I even go about telling her how I feel, Allz, when every time I try my throat closes up and I can't breathe because _what if I'm making this up_? What if she doesn't actually see me like that and I ruin our friendship?" You say nervously, gnawing at your fingernails.

"First of all, honey, a blind man could see how much that girl loves you, and yes, I mean that in the sense that she wants a relationship with you," Ally starts and you nod, still anxious. "Second, do you have any ideas what you want to do? Grand gestures or small, intimate ones?" She asks and you think it over, tapping your fingernail on your desk as you place the phone onto the table.

"Small, intimate ones. Grand gestures are to make up for the insignificance of the date, like Valentine's Day – the stupidest holiday, if you ask me, because I'm gonna treat my girl like a queen every day of the year, not just one day. Small, intimate gestures show you think about them, you know them, and it's not about the publicity of it, but the intimacy of the moment shared between you two," you say, and when you look up to look at Ally, she's smiling like a proud mother at you.

"I hope you know that Camila is a very lucky girl," Ally says and you blush, rubbing the back of your neck.

"Thanks, Allz. So small and intimate, right?" She nods and you sit back, humming thoughtfully. "I think I've got something just right."

* * *

It's a Saturday afternoon when you knock on the door of Camila's room and wait nervously for her to open, fiddling with the zipper of your letterman. When she tells you to come in, you draw a deep breath and steel yourself, slowly entering the room and smiling when you see her lounging on her bed in sweatpants and a tee shirt, reading _Lord of the Flies_.

"Laur?" She asks, confused but happy as she gets up to hug you tightly. You hug back just as tight, and when you part you have a wide grin on your face.

"Get dressed, I'm taking you out."

"Where?"

"It's a surprise, just put on some casual clothes and let's go."

Camila's adorably confused, but obeys nonetheless, putting on a light, white summer dress and she looks so cute you just want to kiss her senseless. Once she's pulled on her battered black Chuck Taylors, you pull her by the hand, waving at her parents who are watching amusedly from the living room as you drag their daughter out the house and towards your car.

You open the door and she blushes and thanks you with a soft voice, and yeah, you're definitely in love with every piece of this girl, every mark that she's left on the Universe not comparing to the mark she's left on you, and you've only known her for a year. You pray she'll keep marking your soul for many, many more years.

You park the car in Dinah's driveway and tell Camila to wait here, while you knock on Dinah's door and she opens with a grin.

"Here Lauser, and you best appreciate it, Milika will beat my ass if she finds out I took this."

You laugh with Dinah at the statement because you know it's true, Milika wouldn't hesitate for a moment to whoop Dinah's ass for stealing a bottle of wine from their collection. You thank her again and give her a hug. She wraps her arms around you soothingly and whispers in your ear.

"Go get her, tiger." With a grin and a nod, you go back to the car and plop onto the driver's seat, buckling in and grinning secretively, keeping your lips sealed in answer to the barrage of questions Camila shoots at you with startling speed.

Once you've arrived to where you wanted, you turn to Camila with a grin. Raising the bottle up, you watch her eyes flick down to it before coming back to meet yours.

"You don't want us to drink this, do you?" She asks dubiously, and you nod, still grinning like a madwoman. She laughs.

"Laur, we're underage, we can't drink."

"Sure we can. Besides, I'm not driving tonight anymore, and I don't mean for us to get shitfaced. I just want a buzz." You say and offer her the bottle, which she takes hesitantly, bringing it up to her lips and taking a small sip. She scrunches up her nose adorably at the taste.

"It's...not what I expected." You laugh.

"I know, but you'll get used to it." With a shrug, you take a swig, and you pass the bottle until you're both sufficiently tipsy, making you both giggly and happy. You know it'll pass before the end of the evening, with all the walking around and the activities you have in mind, and you need her sober for the end.

Putting the corkscrew back in, you exit the car a little slower than you would sober and open the door for her, offering her a hand which she takes with a giggle. You help her out of the car and it's just on time, because the crimson sunset behind you shines onto her face, her eyes golden and gleaming happily and _god_ , she has no right to be so damn beautiful you can't even think around her.

You take her hand gently and intertwine your fingers.

"Come on, Camz, the night has just begun." You drag her through a maze of streets, weaving expertly around crowds of people passing you by, pausing in front of a small ice cream parlour and leading her inside by the hand.

"You in the mood for some ice-cream?" You ask her and she grins cheekily.

"Always am, duh," You laugh and Camila preens proudly, before turning to look at the choices she has.

She gets three scoops – banana, chocolate, and vanilla – and you buy two, mint and vanilla. She pouts when you don't let her pay for her own, and you simply stick your tongue out at her and she sticks hers right back, and your heart probably shouldn't be trying to jump right out of your chest, but you can't help it when you look at her, so childishly happy about her ice-cream, and her hand is still warming yours.

You tug her along, cracking jokes to make her laugh until you arrive at a small fountain where a middle-aged man stands, playing on an old, acoustic guitar and singing lively in Spanish. The song is fast paced and energetic, and in the crowd of people around the man you can see children jumping around pretending to dance, and you see the exact moment when it clicks for her.

"Lauren..."

You turn to her with a smile and pull her close.

"I know you want to go to Barcelona for real, but I'm still poor and a minor so I can't take you there yet," you tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and leave your hand lingering on her cheek. "But what I can do is try to bring Barcelona to you, or at least an improvised version of it." There are tears in her eyes and if you didn't know her so well, you'd think you fucked up somehow. But she's looking at you with such unrestrained joy and love in her eyes that you feel like you're drowning for a moment, before she engulfs you in a fierce hug that leaves you breathless.

"Come on Camz, you said you wanted to dance." You say and she grins, so you pull her to the empty space where the kids are dancing and in front of the man and already, you can hear the aww's and ooh's from the crowd, so you smile softly and place Camila's hands around your neck as you place yours on her waist and then you're leading her in a fast-paced, improvised dance right there on the street.

"Close your eyes and imagine we're dancing in the street in Barcelona," you whisper to her and she bites her lip and nods, smiling at you. "Follow my lead, baby."

Camila wasn't kidding when she said she'd step on your toes, but you ignore it every time it happens and instead grin at her teasingly, so much that she stops blushing and starts laughing with you. The song ends and another energetic one starts instead, so you spin her around, twirling her under your arms and watching her laugh, her happiness free and unrestrained and she's the only thing you can see in this whole crowded street.

Camila is like something straight out of a princess fairytale, and you're not that religious but you're pretty sure she's an actual angel, because you've never seen such beauty as Camila with flushed cheeks, a gigantic toothy smile and crinkles by her eyes, twirling along with you. You want to shout it from the rooftops, how much you love her, and thank your lucky stars for sending her to you. Guess destiny's doing it right.

As the man singing looks at you, he winks and then speaks up.

"This next one is a bit slower, so if you haven't already, grab someone close and share this dance with them." He starts strumming a soft melody, and though his voice sounds nothing like Ed Sheeran's, there's a gentleness in his singing that makes goosebumps rise on your skin.

You nod back at him and then look at Camila, slightly shorter than you in her Chucks, and you pull her closer so that you're chest to chest, and she drops her head on your shoulder and you affectionately nudge her with your nose.

"Thank you for this, Laur." She says as you sway gently to the soft strums of the guitar and the gentle crooning of the singer.

"I would give you the world if I could, Camila Cabello, but I can't because mine consists of you," you whisper in your ear and you aren't imagining the way she shivers in your arms, or the way her hold tightens on you. You never thought you'd be saying such cheesy lines to someone in your life, but the Universe keeps proving you wrong when it comes to Camila and you have never been more glad to be wrong than in this moment, with her in your arms.

When the song finishes, she doesn't move away and instead looks up at you, with her doe eyes and you're so weak, so instead of rushing this date and kissing her squarely on the mouth like you want to, you dig up any sense of self-control you have and instead place a feather-light kiss on her forehead. You turn to the man who has his guitar case open in front of him. Dropping a fifty with a wink, you salute him with a smirk and he grins back, waving at you as you leave.

"Now where are you taking me, Lauren Jauregui?" Camila asks teasingly and you smirk.

"Wait and find out, Camila Cabello." Ignoring her pouty huff, you pull her along the streets that you know like the back of your hand. With a wave to Bianca – your mother's old friend and the best damn florist you know – who's standing in her flower shop, you tug Camila by the hand and pull a single sunflower from a bunch, handing it to her shyly. She takes it with a blushing smile and a twinkle in her eyes, her long fingers wrapping around the stem softly, as if afraid of crushing it with any sort of pressure.

The streetlights have already been on for a while when you finally arrive at the park you were at that day when she told you about Barcelona. Your buzz has completely worn off and you can see hers has as well, so when you pull her along to _your tree_ , you're shaking with nervous energy, playing with the hem of your jacket anxiously. Before you reach the oak, you reach down and take off your shoes and socks, and Camila follows your lead unquestionably, her Chucks dangling from the tips of her fingers.

You place them at the bottom of the tree, right next to yours. Reaching up on your tiptoes to the lowest branches, you take down the flower crown you had put there earlier that day. It's made of daisies, and you silently shuffle closer to Camila.

"May I?" You whisper, in fear of breaking the ethereal silence between you two, and she nods, awe in her eyes as she looks into your own. You softly reach up, tuck that same strand of hair that keeps escaping her fishtail braid behind her ear again, and place the flower crown onto her head. You feel her hands come to rest on your shoulders and you know it's all been building up to this, to this very night and moment shared between you two in a bubble, away from the rest of the world. The grass underneath the soles of your feat is tickling you, but now there's a slightly less of a height difference between you and Camila, and you smile.

"You must be wondering what all this means," you break the silence and she simply tilts her head to the side, her lips quirking up.

"I have a pretty good idea, but I'm afraid that if I say it out loud, I'll wake up from this dream," she admits and you close your eyes, leaning your forehead against hers and taking in a shuddering breath, trying to remain grounded.

"It means exactly what you think it means, Camz," you whisper finally, and she sucks in a breath, a shaky thing that you know means there are tears pooling in her eyes. "I have never been more nervous in my entire life, but I owe it to you and to myself to tell you what I think the entire world knows already – I love you, Camila Cabello, so damn much. I had a whole freakin' speech prepared, but I don't know a single word of it now, so I'll just tell you this." With a bite to your lip, you take Camila's hand and place it on your racing heart. "This right here? That beating you feel? That's my heart telling you it loves you, over and over, now and forever, in a language only you know. I know we're just kids, but I have never been more certain of anything in my life than I am of what I feel for you."

"Oh Lauren," she sniffles and you take her into your arms, and hers encircle your waist and you're pressed together, one being and one soul.

"I love you too," Camila says, tilting her head up and the breath you didn't know you were holding comes whooshing out of your lungs, and you smile, a moment of complete and utter happiness in a sea of tranquillity.

"I was afraid to say something first because I was scared of getting my heart broken," she murmurs and you grin. "Well, Camz, hearts don't break around here."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"God, I'm a mess," Camila says with a watery chuckle, and wipes off a tear that had escaped. You laugh and hold her close, whispering under your breath, "you look perfect."

She hears you, you know she does, when there's a sharp intake of breath and then suddenly her lips are on yours and you think your life has ended in that very moment.

It's chaste and gentle, so, so soft and utterly innocent, just a touching of lips but it's also so much more than that. It's a promise, a complete opening of one soul to another, a melding of two pieces of universe stuck inside you. Then something shifts and you press into her, and she reciprocates in equal measure and you're kissing, messily and out of practice (since, y'know, you've never _had_ any practice), but it's perfect.

You separate and Camila tries to contain her grin with a bite to her lip, but you don't even try to restrain your joy, whooping loudly and laughing, fistpumping when she joins you in your laughter. You tug her by the hand to you again and kiss her once more, and it's insane, how she makes you feel, because you're crazy about her and she _knows it_ , she finally knows it, and she _feels the same_ and fuck! Everyone was right, and now Dinah will tease you mercilessly, but you don't care at all because Camila loves you and you love her.

* * *

"Hello sinners, someone owes me twenty bucks!" Ally bellows jokingly as soon as the Facetime call connects and Dinah huffs as Normani and Camila laugh, and you roll your eyes playfully.

Dinah turns away, pouting and crossing her arms, and Normani laughs.

"Now look what you've done, Smallz, she's angry."

"Mani, do I curr? Do. I. curr?" Ally asks with a fake, bitchy voice that makes all of you laugh.

"Damn, Allysin takin' over," Dinah finally pipes in and Camila koala hugs her as Dinah pretends to push her off, while Normani falls off the chair laughing. You keep bickering between each other, and eventually the call turns into a karaoke contest, like it always does. When Normani tries changing the key of a Beyoncé song to fit her voice better, Ally purses her lip and snaps her fingers.

"Girl it's going down, how's it going up?" That drives all of you into a laughing fit, but in all the commotion you grab onto Camila and press a solid kiss onto her grinning mouth.

"I love you dork," you say with a soft smile and her eyes twinkle.

"Love you too, nerd."

"MY DAMN SHIP IS SAILING, MOVE BITCH YOU'RE IN THE FRAME AND THIS IS CAMREN'S TIME TO SHINE," Dinah yells and you flinch, looking over to see Dinah pushing Normani away and she loses her balance and flops onto the bed. Dinah pays no attention to her as she keeps the camera trained on you as you're face-palming and shaking your head, while Camila laughs in your arms. "KEEP GOING, YOU'RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE," she yells once more and if that didn't crack you up, Ally's bellowing laughter sure as hell does.

* * *

Nothing changes. You don't even realize how couple-y you and Camila acted until you actually got together and almost nothing changed except for the kisses you now regularly share.

(You're addicted to her. It's becoming a problem.)

You still walk her to class, and carry her books for her. You still pay for her despite her protests and attempts to sneakily pay for her own meals or tickets. You still look lovestruck whenever you see her in the hallway and you still daydream about her 24/7. Your sketchbooks are still filled with her features, and you still laugh lovingly at her when she wolfs down an entire meal in a few minutes. She still jumps into your arms and you laugh as you twirl her around, and you still watch stupid movies together (but now you don't really pay attention to the screen, but devote more time to exploring each other's mouth).

You still lie underneath your oak tree and her fingers still tangle in your raven tresses, and she still sings along to her favourite songs, and her voice still lulls you to sleep. She's still your absolutely favourite person in the whole world, and you still give her your letterman when she gets cold. She still kisses your cheek sleepily in the morning and still wears your jersey to bed.

Only now, when you walk her to class, you peck her lips chastely in front of the classroom, and keep a grin on your face for the rest of the day. Now, when she has a drop of ice-cream on the corner of her lips, you can kiss it away instead of staring at it and fighting the urge to do so. Now, your trips to the oak tree include talking about the future, and sneaking in occasional kisses. Now, when she wears your letterman, everyone know she's your girlfriend, and she cheers for you at your softball games, and when she wears your jersey and only her underwear, you're now allowed to pin her to the counter and kiss her senseless, and your hands are allowed to roam and wander and explore her body.

But most importantly, when both of your parents agree that she can sleepover, when she cuddles up to you in bed with your arms around her, you'll kiss her and she'll whisper, "we're in love, aren't we?" and with a goofy smile you'll nod and kiss her again, and place your hand around her stomach, holding her close.

* * *

**_[twenty-two]_ **

"You know, Laur, I really thought you two would be forever," Normani says, and you shrug, devoid of emotions for a while now.

"So did I," you say, and the pitiful pitter-patter of your heart confirms it. It still beats for her, only now she isn't there to hear it.

"I understand her, though," Normani continues, and you nod, because you do.

"I don't know what happened to me," you muse, thinking out loud, and Normani eyes with you with sadness in her eyes, taking a sip of her coke. "I don't know _when_ or _why_ I became an anchor to her, but I know I did. She- she's going places, Mani," you stutter, and she nods, motioning for you to continue. It's the first time you've talked about the break up with someone else like this, because a year is barely enough to come to terms with it, let alone get over her. "She's going places, and I was still stuck in one, rooted to the damn ground." You shake your head, rubbing your eyes tiredly.

"I know I let myself go, that I stopped dreaming, which is ironic since all my dreams included her. _Include_ her, because I don't think there's ever going to be a love for me that isn't her," you say and Normani chuckles weakly, and you know she pities you but that's okay, you would pity someone too if they told you they let the love of their life slip right through their fingertips like that, over _nothing_. "I can't believe I dropped out of college, Mani. I always took education seriously, what the fuck happened to me?" You ask yourself, rhetorically because you know what happened. You got high on your life with Camila, on your new friends and all the parties you got to go to, and then you started drinking and it all went to hell.

"An alcoholic, Mani, a fucking alcoholic!" You say, getting angry at yourself again. What the fuck? "How could I have let that happen? How could I do something like this to her?" You wonder and Normani speaks up again.

"Lauren. You are human, you make mistakes. Apparently, pretty big mistakes, but it's nothing that can't be fixed," she says and places her hand over yours gently, and you intertwine your fingers and squeeze gently. You nod.

"I know. I've been sober for ten months, and she left me eleven months ago. And I'm saving up money to finish college." You chuckle bitterly. "Guess she still has an effect on me, even when she's not here, huh?" Normani laughs with you and points to your glass of milk.

"Yeah, she does." She sighs. "Keep going Lauren, but do it for yourself, not for her. Because if you ever want to move on-"

"I don't, though." You interrupt and Normani nods, as if she was expecting that answer.

"If you ever want to get better, then, you should do it for yourself because becoming dependent on someone is going to do you damage and bring you back to square one," Normani says and god, it's obvious why the girl became a therapist. You nod.

You catch up for a while, and after an hour, she checks her watch and stands up.

"We should do this again sometime, yeah?" She says with a twinkle in her eyes and an easy smile on her lips. You reciprocate the smile.

"Yeah."

"And next time, don't wait for a year to talk to me again, you hear? Or I'm sending Dinah to whoop your ass." Normani laughs and so do you, genuine for the first time in months.

"Will do, and tell the bitch I said hi."

"Tell her yourself, over dinner, maybe?" Normani asks and you nod, mentally going over your schedule.

"Next Friday?" With a nod of confirmation, Normani hugs you tightly and you hug her back, gently and lovingly.

"Love you Laur, don't ever forget that," she says and god, you're such a fucking softy, because there are tears threating to fall from your eyes as you nod once more, not speaking in fear of your voice cracking.

You watch her go and feel hope for the first time in months.

* * *

**_[nineteen]_ **

"Hey Camz!"

"Lauren! Baby, I've missed you so much!"

"I know baby, but just hold on, a few more months and then we'll be renting an apartment together, and it's gonna be _awesome_."

"Holy crap, right? I can't _wait_!" The squealing over the phone makes you grin and your roommate look at you weirdly, but whatever, she can't say shit because the girl literally has a pet python, get the fuck outta here with that jungle shit.

"Me either! Fuck, can you believe that this time next year, we'll be living together." You sigh wistfully and snuggle back into your pillows. "I'm gonna make you pancakes every morning, or anything else you want, and I'm gonna bring it to you in bed. And then you're gonna make a mess because you eat like a savage, but that's alright because you're cute." You bite your lip to contain your laughter at the huff you hear from Camila.

"And we can have a pet dog, and we'll call him Fish."

"Lauren what the fuck?"

"Don't question Fish the Dog, Camz, succumb to the crazy."

"Honey, I succumbed to the crazy more than three years ago when you slammed into me in that hallway because you were late to English."

"Damn you and your irresistible cuteness, Camila Cabello!" You playfully growl, and she laughs, and yeah, you're still so in love with this dork you fell in love with the moment she started laughing, sprawled on the floor of the dirty hallway to your right.

"And what else is going to happen in this apartment, huh, Lauren Jauregui?" She asks, playing coy and you know what she wants, but hell nah, you aren't having phone sex with your weirdass roommate less than five feet away.

"Well, my beautiful sunflower, when we're done with breakfast, we're going to have...a tickle fight!" Her beautiful laughter fills your ears and you chuckle, but keep going. "And after the tickle fight, we will feed Fish the Dog, and then take him on a walk."

"And on that walk, we'll see a couple with a child, and I'll turn to you and say 'Lauren Jauregui, will you be the mother of my child?'" Camila says and you pause, your mouth dropping open.

"Camz? Are you serious? Would you really want that someday?" You ask and you can imagine Camila fiddling with her bottom lip.

"Yes, if that is something you want, too," you let out an incredulous laugh.

"Of _course_ that's something I want, damn babe. Fuck now I'm so excited for our future children," you say and Camila lets out a happy laugh. "I can't wait to have a mini Camila running around, chasing after Fish the Dog and making a fucking mess out of everything."

"Laur, if you talk like that around our future child, she or he is going to have a curse word for their first word." Camila says, and you chuckle.

"Let them, I just want them to be ours. A part of our family." You say and Camila sniffles. "And Dinah can be the crazy vodka aunt, and Mani can be the slightly less crazy tequila aunt," you continue and your girlfriend lets out a watery laugh. "And Ally will be the only sane one out of all us, and she'll make our kid hella fat with her amazing chocolate chip cookies.

"And you're going to go on business trips sometimes because we'll both be very successful – but I'll just be your trophy wife, and arm candy for all your fancy dinners – and I'll always miss you, and we're going to do the same thing we do now, fall asleep to each other's breathing on the phone. And I'll miss you slightly less but I'll still be ecstatic when you walk into our apartment again, jump into my arms and kiss me senseless.

But before all that, we're going to dance to that same song we danced to two years ago by that fountain, and it's going to be our wedding dance," by now you, too, are laughing, and you can't wait to have that someday.

"I love you so much, Lauren," Camila says and you bite your lip, but your smile spreads despite it.

"I love you too, baby, so fucking much." You respond and your roommate rolls her eyes and leaves the room with a slam of the door. _Rude ass bitch, just 'cause the only thing that can stand to be around her is a giant fucking snake doesn't give her the right to be this damn nasty._

"So, my roommate just left, and I'm pretty sure she's not coming back any time soon..." You trail off, your voice taking on a rough quality and a wicked smirk appearing on your face.

Camila gasps softly and you know she gets it.

"Oh? Is that so?"

"Yeah. So... you wanted to know what else was going to happen in our apartment?"

* * *

**_[twenty-four]_ **

You should've known those fuckers would meddle, but you ignored all the warning signs – the whispering, the smirks, the constant dodging of certain subjects.

(If you're honest, you knew all along but they kicked your ass in gear once, they can do it again.)

"Hi." She says with that same beautiful raspy voice you haven't heard in three years and _fuck_ , your heart skips a beat (or starts beating again, you don't know) for the first time since she left and you can't help but smile at her with that lopsided grin she used to love so much.

"Hey." You respond, and let out a breath you didn't know you were holding in when she smiles at you the same way she did when you were sixteen.

"Long time no see." She says and winces immediately, but you laugh it off, offering her your arm like you did in high school and she smiles and places her arm in the crook of your elbow, the movement practiced and familiar, as if you never stopped doing it.

"Indeed," you respond and lead her to the bar, where she throws you a smirk when you order a glass of familiar red wine for her, and a glass of orange juice for yourself.

"I assume you still like this brand?" You say with a grin and Camila laughs.

"How could I not? Brings back first date memories," she responds smartly, and you nod with a smirk. You take a sip of your orange juice and she follows the movement of the glass to your lips, looking you in the eyes afterwards and you understand the silent question.

"I don't drink. Three years sober." You explain and Camila nods, something akin to pride shining in her eyes and you smile.

"I never did get used to the taste of this," she muses, and you laugh, because of course she didn't, this is the first time she's drank it since your first date, and you of that you are certain even though you've missed three years of her life.

"So how have you been?" You ask her and she takes her time to answer.

"I've been good. Finished medical school, been working for about a year, in the hospital back in Miami," Camila explains and you nod, because you'd expected nothing less. She's always been nothing but hard-working and extremely dedicated. You always knew she'd succeed. "How about you?"

"Well, after we broke up I got my shit together and ditched the drinking, and the bad crowds. I went back, finished college. I, uh, I'm actually not only here for Jason's birthday," you say, watching Ally's son run around with his friends while the grown-ups mingle around in groups, a certain group of three trying and failing at subtly watching you behind their sunglasses. Seriously, it's evening, who the fuck wears glasses at night? You give them a cheeky wave and they immediately pretend to be busy – Normani raises her cocktail as if to examine it, nodding thoughtfully at it as if confirming its quality; Dinah's immediate reaction to everything is to dance, so she drops it down low and twerks, even though the song playing through the speakers is _La Vie En Rose_ ; and Ally, bless her heart, takes out the bible and starts reading.

You turn back to Camila to see that she, too, is watching them with an amused grin on her face so you smile and continue when she turns back to you. "Anyway, like I said, I'm not here just for the little rascal's birthday, I'm also here to check out a potential gallery." Camila whistles lowly and then grins proudly.

"I knew you would do it. You've had your bumps on the road, but I always knew you'd make it," she says and you chuckle nervously, because if she knew she remained your muse for all the years you spent apart, and that the piece that placed you on the artist map was one of the first you did after your break up, well. You don't know how she'd react, but you don't dare to find out. Not yet, anyway.

"Yeah, well, your swift kick in the caboose certainly gave me the fuckin' boost I needed," you say and she laughs, free and unabashed, and yep, you still love her and you're still so, _so royally **fucked**_.

"Whatever happened to our- uh, to the apartment?" Camila asks and your brain short-circuits at the fact that it's still ' _our_ ' apartment in her mind so it takes you a moment to gather your wits to respond.

"I- I sold it. I couldn't stand to be in it after- after all that happened," you say, aiming for indifference and landing somewhere short of somewhat calm.

"Oh," she says, biting her lip and fuck if that doesn't remind you of all the times you spent biting it, then you don't know what does.

"Yeah." You say, for a lack of any other response.

"So, uh," Camila begins after a momentary awkward silence, "anyone special in your life?" Bless her soul, she really does try to appear unaffected, but even after years of no contact, you know this girl better than you know yourself, so when you see her tap the fingers of her right hand against her leg you know she's nervous because of the answer.

You have no idea why she thinks she should be, because it's fairly obvious that you're still so fucking whipped for her you can practically hear Dinah mentally making whip noises at you.

"Nope," you say, popping the 'p' and then pretend not to notice that she breathes a sigh of relief. Now it's your turn to be nervous.

"How about you?" You ask with a nervous laugh and she shakes her head empathically.

"No. I tried a few times but it never seemed to work out."

"I wonder why," you say with a smirk and Camila shakes her head, playfully rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, a real mystery," she retorts and you snort. Before you can say anything else, she stands abruptly and turns to you.

"Do you want to go for a walk?"

Yeah, 911? You're pretty sure you're having a heart attack? A panic attack? An asthma attack. _Fuck, you don't even have asthma_. Some sort of attack is happening currently because your brain cannot function properly. You just nod dumbly and automatically hold out your arm, and then you're off. Ally's house is in the countryside, meaning when you walk off the back of her estate, you are in complete privacy.

The silence between you and Camila is comfortable as you take even steps, only the moonlight lighting the way as you walk slowly further away. Camila stops you next to a large tree, and you can't help but appreciate the parallels, intentional or not.

Your already fragile mental state doesn't get a break when Camila sighs and slowly steps closer, until there's little space between you and her.

"Lauren Jauregui, I fucking hate you." She says and you blink because _what_. "It has been three years since we broke up, and I still can't get you out of my brain." Camila admits and holy shit, that was worse than a pregnancy scare.

"The worst part is, I actually don't hate you, because mainly, the only thing I do is miss you. Miss you so much I ache." She says and yeah, that thing vibrating? That's your fucking heart beating so fast you think you'll die. "How fucked up is that?" She asks, a slightly bitter chuckle leaving her. You smile. Take her hand. Press it to your heart.

"Feel this? Still speaks a language only you understand. You know what it's saying, don't you?" You ask, and Camila grins, tears gathering in her eyes and fuck, your waterworks are getting loose too, when the fuck did you become such crying wussies?

"I do, but maybe you should remind me." She responds and you smile because _she knows, she knows, **she knows**_.

"It's saying I love you over and over, now and forever." You say, and memories flash in front of your eyes, of dancing clumsily by the fountain to a fast Spanish song sung by a street busker, of three-scoop ice-creams and sunflowers, of a flower crown made entirely of daisies and grass tickling your feet. You grin, and take off your shoes. Camila laughs but does the same, and you bend over to pick a single daisy off the ground, tucking it behind her ear along with that same strand of hair that you tucked years before.

"Not a flower crown, but it's a start." You say with a cheeky grin and Camila laughs, and then she's standing up on her tippy toes, draping her arms around your neck, and kissing you.

It's been seven years since the first time you kissed and somehow, this kiss is exactly like that first one, and nothing like it at the same time. It's chaste, innocent, and gentle, but there's three years' worth of burned bridges and painful memories scorching your lips and you appreciate it. It reminds you of what needs to be done and rebuilt to start anew.

But there'll be time for that.

For now, Camila is smiling against your lips and you're smiling against hers, and there's sobbing from those bushes behind you—

Wait, what?

_Fucking—_

**_"You fuckers better come out of there before I fucking fight you!"_ **

"It was Dinah's idea!"

* * *

**_[twenty-six]_ **

You've been told that it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, but that doesn't stop you from practically vibrating with nerves and excitement in equal measure. Thank God for Normani because between Dinah's absolute craziness and Ally's weeping from the moment she landed at the airport 'til now, when she's standing next to Dinah as the bridesmaid, you probably would've gone off the deep end and murdered them both had it not been for the calm Texan.

You're too busy talking to her (and by talking, you mean going absolutely batshit crazy while she tries to calm you the fuck down), when you hear the intro notes of the wedding march and _holy shit_ , will you even be able to place the ring on Camila's hand, your hands are too sweaty, Normani'll have to do it- but wait doesn't that mean she'll be marrying Camila? Fuck no, you're the only one who gets to marry Camila, Normani can fuck off.

You turn to her briefly and give her a solid glare just for good measure, leaving her baffled but you don't care about that because—

There she is.

Her teary-eyed father is walking her down the altar, and- and- you have no words. You've painted many a piece in your relatively short life, and seen many, many more. But no masterpiece can compare to the work of art walking towards you with a shy smile on her beautiful face.

You can register Ally weeping somewhere to your left, but you only have eyes for Camila.

Everything passes in a blur, but then again not really. If anyone asked you to recall a specific point, you could recall every single bit of it, but had someone asked you to tell them how the ceremony started and ended, you'd have no idea. All you know is staring at a pair of beautiful cocoa eyes that you call home and saying vows you improvised on the spot because no written word could ever compare to the feeling in your chest in that very moment.

You remember everyone laughing several times throughout Camila's vows, and you know they were humorous and at the same time, completely serious and you love her. You love her so damn much and suddenly you snap back into reality and you're placing a ring on her finger and she on yours.

And then you're no longer Lauren Jauregui. You're Lauren Cabello-Jauregui.

And she's Camila Cabello-Jauregui.

And you're wives.

You're married.

Holy fuck.

Then you're at the reception, and Dinah is clinking her glass to bring everyone's attention to her and oh _fuck_ , Dinah has to hold a speech...why did you ever think that was a good idea?

"Well, the moment has come, and finally, after nine damn years of effort, Normani, Ally, and myself can say that we finally got these two losers together."

The guests laugh and you chuckle because, fuck it, you may as well admit it.

"You know, back when we were in high school, Camila and Lauren met in the most cliché way ever – Lauren bumped into her on the way to class. Been inseparable ever since. Then, in Lauren's junior year, things started to change. We started to notice the lingering glances, the couple-y behaviour, the long stares when they thought no one was looking...and the only people oblivious to their feelings were the two of them.

"Lauren finally grew a pair, and asked Camila out on a date. They never did tell us what exactly happened on that date, I just knew I had to smuggle them a bottle of wine, and that it involved Barcelona." Dinah laughs as you and Camila exchange secretive glances and shy smiles. Then she turns serious.

"Things changed in college. They went through a break up, there were lots of tears and I've never seen either of them so broken. It was... terrifying, at the very least. Because if Lauren and Camila couldn't make it, then who could?" Dinah looks around, catching the eye of many guests. "But they're here now. They're together, they're married, and they're finally going to that damn Barcelona like they've been planning to since they were seventeen.

"As I draw my very long, and incredibly awesome speech to a close-" she pauses for a moment to let people laugh, "-I would just like to say that there is no one I admire more than these two women right here. No matter what happened, which troubles life threw at them, they ended up together in the end. They grew together, and they grew apart, but somehow they always found their way back home. I have no doubt that they will be each other's home 'til the day they die, and even after that. Death can't keep soulmates apart, and that's exactly what they are.

"And if they ever do try to break up again, well to that I say: not on my damn watch, you lesbians!" Dinah jokes and the reception erupts into laughter again. She softens again, turns to you and your wife and raises a glass in a toast.

"To Lauren and Camila! May you always be each other's lighthouses, to guide you home."

"To Lauren and Camila," the party echoes and then it's time for the first dance of the evening.

You're intoxicated by Camila but you know her well enough to take off your heels, stand barefoot on the soft grass and pull her close as the plucking of the guitar strings begins the beautiful melody you chose for this dance.

 _I found a love for me,_  
_darling just dive right in, and follow my lead._  
_Well I found a girl, beautiful and sweet,_  
_I never knew you were the someone waiting for me._

As you sway softly to the beat, you whisper in her ear.

"We _were_ just kids when we fell in love, weren't we?" And she giggles in response and leans to whisper right back.

"Honey, we still _are_ kids and we're still falling in love, and I'll forever be falling for you. Every day, all over again." Camila whispers and you're literally this fucking close to crying.

"A language only you know, remember?" You say, looking down at your heart and she grins tearfully.

" _'I love you, over and over, now and forever,'_ " Camila quotes you and you nod, leaning your forehead against hers.

"And tomorrow, we're going to Barcelona." You whisper and she smiles, nodding again. You press a soft kiss to her lips, which she returns chastely. "Told you I'd take you to Barcelona someday," you say with a grin. Camila smiles back goofily at you.

"You did," she says and bites her lip happily. "You also promised me Fish the Dog, and a family."

"Give it time," you say, and Camila smiles.

 _Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms,_  
_barefoot on the grass, listening to our favourite song._  
_I have faith in what I see,_  
_now I know I have met an angel in person_  
_and she looks perfect, I don't deserve this,_  
_you look perfect tonight._

_**FIN.** _

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i call this fucking beast 'how many Divide references can i put in the story before people start punching me'
> 
> aight now for real this story is A Mess because it was supposed to be this 3k word lil drabble and then i started writing it and tbfh it started writing itself
> 
> long story short, i have literally slept for maybe an hour bc i finished this fucker at 5AM this morning and the words were kinda blurring together in front of me so if there are any mistakes, oops? im sorry lol but i read through this a couple of times so any mistakes i left is basically me being half-blind dont blame me lmao
> 
> okay i hope u liked it, drop a comment if u want and also hmu on tumblr on absolutesilennce if you want to yell at me about camren or sanvers/supercorp 
> 
> aight pce nd blessinz <3


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